Hi friends, I have something on my heart to share and that thing I want to share is the topic of ENMESHMENT trauma. I'm not sure it's talked about enough & I'm here to share my personal ties to it. Here's an invitation to a deeper layer of Matthew. All I ask is that you read everything before choosing to comment:
Today has been so many things for me today. Something I've been struggling with a lot lately has been being an insecure avoidant-attachment relationship dynamic. In this type of dynamic, I want and need connection, but it's unsafe to allow people in to my core emotionally, and I have to retreat or keep people at arms length to feel safe. [From Psychalive.org because it's well-worded and relatable] - "Parents of children with an avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore their children’s needs, and can be especially rejecting when their child is hurt or sick. These parents also discourage crying and encourage premature independence in their children. Children identified as having an avoidant attachment with a parent tend to disconnect from their bodily needs. Some of these children learn to rely heavily on self-soothing, self-nurturing behaviors. They develop a pseudo-independent orientation to life and maintain the illusion that they can take complete care of themselves. As a result, they have little desire or motivation to seek out other people for help or support." YES. I had to learn how to do all of those things so I could be the "good little Matthew who never causes any trouble or problems." As I grow in my level of self-awareness, I become conscious of how painful this dynamic is not only for me, but for everyone connected to me. People are going to feel pushed away by be because it's actually happening to them out of my self-preservation, and for me, I'm not able to be loved fully for me because your emotional truth is a HUGE part of who you are, and if people aren't let fully in this space, they don't really know you. The more I see this at play in my reality, I begin to connect the dots in my life thus far where this has played out with other people and why. It's taken me a while to want to look at this more deeply because it's SCARY and I don't want to lose that degree of safety, however, a time has come for me where it's now MORE detrimental NOT to look at it and find even more clarity. So I set the intention to better understand this, and I received it today powerfully. I don't think it's a secret to anyone who's reading this that one of my mentors is Teal Swan. She's my soul sister and mentor and there was a video on her YouTube channel I'd seen once before, and felt impacted by it, but I seriously must have been dissociated while I watched it because it felt like I was watching it for the first time today. I'll link it below but the title is something like: "Do You Need Space? If So, You Are Being Inauthentic." It introduces the concept of Enmeshment, and being in the self-help and spiritual community, I've seen this word SO many times! But I never truly understood it fully, and never had that inspired nudge to look it up. But when I heard this explanation in Teal's video, I went into a total freeze. It's me, a million percent, and it explains so many things! I felt shock, despair, anger, but also things like relief and hope as this new awareness = more power that I have to do something with it. I want to explain what I learned about Enmeshment Trauma, and what specifically rings true for me: >> This enmeshment dynamic is set up in childhood. In households where 1 or more adults refuse to see the child as its own person with its own needs and destiny. >> Instead, they regard the child as an extension of themselves. Instead of seeing this child as raw, unlimited potential to pursue the purpose they came here with, these parents see this child as raw material ready to be molded by them however they wish. >> This child was not allowed to have their own desires, feelings, needs, perspectives, or unique thoughts. There were consequences for that. >> In order to maintain the secure attachment that a child needs with the parent, the child had to lose their sense of self & forfeit their autonomy in order to meet their needs of connection, love, and safety. *** This is what it looks like now in adulthood having enmeshment trauma: When someone enters the room, I need to immediately abandon myself and make myself into something that pleases them and caters to their needs. *** I'll try to create connection with them by anticipating their reaction to anything I say or do, so that I can ensure a positive reaction instead of a negative one, even if it violates my own boundaries. *** I immediately lose my authentic truth for the sake of connection *** What has been deeply ingrained within my being is this: THE PRICE FOR CONNECTION IS TO LOSE YOURSELF. No wonder I have been this way. No wonder I am so hesitant to reach out to the people I love. This sucks. This was so devastating to realize because it's true. I will become the chameleon that will bend over backwards, hyper-attuning to the other person and losing everything that is real about me in the process. >> Because of the threat this imposes to my safety (which has so much been on a subconscious level so far), I chronically and impulsively push people away, just so I can feel myself and my truth. I become the other person while that person is not becoming me or getting to know me. >> This feels like being consumed or absorbed by them, where I lose my free will. Constantly vacillating between pushing people away and needing them (because connection is one of the top if not the #1 human need). >> Relationships with others do not feel safe to me if I am too close. >> Never fully let others in, playing a game of the rubberband syndrome as Teal calls it, where there's a constant push & pull, but never letting that space fully close because of the pure terror I feel of being consumed by that person and losing myself. >> I don't actually want to push people (consciously) because of how hurtful it is to us both, it's simply a reaction to a perceived threat (absorption). >> I now know that being alone and isolating is a -tool- to get in touch with myself, but understand now that it's a tool. I get to use it, but it's not a natural state of being nor is it a necessity. *** Ultimate Goal: "I can have myself, and have you too." With all of this new information, I already know my life cannot possibly go on the way is has before. I am choosing to fully commit to working through this dynamic, and learning who I really am and how to hold that through my relationships with the people I love. I am going to be diving much deeper into the area of boundaries. I can absolutely say that I have improved on this part of my life so much over the last couple years, but I am being called to revisit this passionately, and reassess in a way that benefits me through this lens of enmeshment trauma. What I also loved in Teal's video is that I can learn to actually say something like this: "This is actually totally against what I want and need right now." Wow. I love the idea that I can work up to this, but in this moment, that's incredibly terrifying to me. In the moment where that comes up in a conversation, I now get that it's OK because that person & I now get to open up a needs conflict dialogue and begin to work it out. I don't have to abandon myself instantaneously anymore in those moments. Conflict Resolution is OK--it's not a time for either of us to simply give up our boundaries for the sake of remaining connected to each other. We can have ourselves, and each other too, and I feel grateful because I don't fear not being able to do this with the people in my life. I feel super fortunate for the types of people in my life that I know will get this and be willing to work with me on this. It's also a call to expand much further and powerfully in the direction of Authenticity. To be me, to be real, whether someone is in the room or not. If you've made it this far, thank you SO much for being here and seeing me and hearing my story. I am so committed to working through the depths of this for myself and any support I have along the way is so welcomed. I want to learn everything about this and more about my Self! I want to have secure connections that aren't rooted in enmeshment, and I will. I will have this. And you better know that once I figure it out, I am teaching it. Trust! I will reclaim the ability to be me and have connection. I love you so much. -Matthew { Teal's video: https://youtu.be/ctrylHAC5a4 }
4 Comments
Riz
8/10/2018 11:56:23 pm
Thank you for sharing. I feel,, encouraged.. & somehow relieved to come across other people living through the same struggle, I feel less alone aha. It's sometimes still hard for me to fully trust myself, I guess that is in part of my enmeshment trauma, because I don't -exactly- know what's real for me & not... that's why.. Thank you!
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Oceanna
2/24/2019 06:31:05 am
Wow! This is the missing piece. I resonated with this 100%!! It will help so much in the therapeutic process I’m currently working through regarding getting to know me, understanding how my past created this mindframe I’m working on freeing, and my own issues with parenting even though I’m a social worker. Thank you!! I’m truly grateful, and that Teal video you mentioned also triggered something within me when initially viewing it, but I’m going to rewatch it to gain continual insight on my path to freedom.
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Emma
3/17/2019 02:52:30 am
Wow Thank you for sharing🙌 This really brought me to tears today and It was exactly what’s i needed to hear. This is so me, the story of my life and the partners I meet. Dedicated to work thru this as well. Lite of love to you💓
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AuthorMatthew Rosewater, CPCP Archives
December 2019
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